Monday, September 14, 2009

My 'Deadly' Sins...

I've never really believe in the concept of the 7 Deadly Sins. I always believed that God viewed wrath as no worse than lying, or envy no worse (or better) than blasphemy. It wasn't until recently that I began to understand what the man who wrote of them might actually have meant.

See what I think makes the '7 Deadly Sins' so deadly is that so often they prove the basis for something else. I'll tell you right now, my deadly sins are lust and sloth. In and of themselves, they seem such small things. Afterall, as long as you don't do anything, lust is okay, right? And sloth, well, laziness isn't actually a sin, of course...

No. Lust is just as wrong as the acts it leads to, and sloth is more than laziness. But right there you have it. it leads to... These sins are so deadly because they lead on to other sins.

I started my struggle with Lust when I was 12. It seems a young age, to me. Far too young for such a sin. At first it was just pornography. But soon, it evolved into, more. And then the content changed.

I don't recall what year it was, possibly just a year or two after it began, but I stumbled upon one story, which did not comform to my norm. It was gay, in the most literal sense of the word. That story would draw me in to a world I still haven't fully escaped from. There are circumstances from my childhood I can point to as reasons for this. I was abused by an uncle. My father left before I was six. After I was adopted my dad spent more time working than at home, and my brother rarely wanted to hang out with his younger siblings. I never learned how to build a relationship with guys.

I can blame it on all of that, but I know it was my choice. And even if those events influenced it, it doesn't change that I'm here and I don't want to be.

But lust led to more than just homosexuality. Slowly my Christianity seemed to be seeping away, and more and more I found myself bound by apathy. When the 7 Deadly Sins were originally written, it wasn't in English. The word is Acedia.* The word didn't represent laziness so much as a physical or spiritual apathy. No wonder it was considered so deadly. What could be more crippling than a lack of desire for change, or a lack of desire for much of anything? Historically it was a bane to monks and other solitaries "and -- by extension -- to any one spiritually or intellectually inclined" to solitude. Perhaps it was the most deadly sin** of all.

Lust and Apathy. I'm almost certain these have proved the basis of every sin I've ever committed. Every dark deed online has been inspired by lust. And every failure to adhere to my standards in such things as daily Biblical study, doing my homework,*** being open, and finding a mentor have been caused by apathy. Apathy kept me from this blog for almost a year. Can we not see it as deadly?

So, as James 5 calls for, this is my confession. I ask that you pray for me, that I could be made whole, and free from sin.****

God's Blessings
~ Sean

* Note: Some instead take Acedia as a separate sin that did not make the list. From all I can see it was still the first word used to describe the sin of sloth, so I will view it hear as the same sin.
** Note: It's also been discussed that originally the 7 Deadly Sins were in fact viewed as the 7 Temptations. This is perhaps a more fitting name for them, if we believe they provide the base for nearly every other sin, but not so fitting in that, temptation itself is not sin; lust, pride, greed, envy, and gluttony are.
*** I spent 2 years on one math book because I couldn't work up the motivation to bother doing the lessons.
**** See here for a proper look into what the word heal means in James 5:16. (Boy that was a lot of notes)