It's been a while. I could give the Christian answer, and say that with all the stuff I've been going to(Wheatstone/Rebelution) and preparing for(Jr Camp), and reading(The Screwtape Letters, Do Hard Things(again), Passionate Conviction, etc.), recently, I've needed some time to process. I could take the business route, and say that since my cousin moved in(the 15th) I've been trying to make her feel more at home (by *cough* playing video games).
And there's the truth. I've been somewhat avoiding this place. I'd mentioned in my first post that I struggled with a particular sin for six years. During that time I became a master at hiding. I've begun to finally overcome that struggle. The problem is, now I'm struggling with openness.
Even the Rebelution conference highlighted this for me, and it really didn't have much of anything to do with openness. When he asked if anyone would stand, I almost did. I got to the point where I said if anyone I knew stood I would. My mom did. Before I could work up the courage he'd already moved on.
Thinking about it, I was on an emotional high and didn't need to stand. It was the same sort of thing I'd done ten dozen and one times. One pastor's kid puts it that he was 'saved every time his dad preached'. My youth pastor says he 'wore out the rededication program'. My problem wasn't that I didn't have the precise exact spiritual high for being saved. It's that I'd walk towards God, and as life set back in, I'd quietly turn and walk right back to where I was. Sure, I'd remain in youth group, in helping at this or that ministry, going to this or that Bible study, but I'd stepped back. I just kinda watched myself go through it.
Was I no longer Christian because I wasn't on an emotional supercharge? Of course not, but that's when I stopped acting like it. I went through motions because I hoped I would get that supercharge back, not realizing that wasn't what being a Christian was.
What does this have to do with avoiding this blog? Openness. I don't think anyone knows what various things I've tried to respark that supercharge. I'm pretty positive my parents don't know about the struggle I faced for six years. And I'm not sure if even I know who I am without so many panels of painted glass between me and everyone else.
And it terrifies me. The thought of taking those panels away, stripping away the secrets, so I can actually be a person, not a 'perfect Christian'. Afterall everyone around me is standing so tall. If they struggle it's probably something tolerable, like lying, or anger with their siblings. Not something so terrible as what mine is.
God views them the same, but we don't. And it scares me to death, wondering if they would look at me different were they to know the truth. Would they hate me for it? Would I be cast away? Would my parents even be able to look at me again? Shame. Guilt. Fear.*
My youth pastor tells us that everytime you teach on something, that's the exact thing you're going to face. I guess I didn't think of that when I started this blog, or quite how many secrets I had. You keep them so long, it's hard to remember where they end and you begin.
I began this blog telling you the importance of sharing your secrets. Now I'm pointing that same finger back at me. I need the same thing. So I ask that you pray for me as well, as I go through this same painful task, and perhaps, I can reveal what wisdom I gain from the experience.**
And mayhaps we may all enjoy a truer deeper fellowship, and in the walk of 'Do Hard Things', a more rewarding collaboration.
*A very small part of me says that I shouldn't because I don't want to make it seem like my parent's fault. I don't want to blame them. In a way, they did nothing to prevent it, certain events may have encouraged it. (But I still chose it.)
And no this part isn't really being charitable, it's just coming up with excuses.
** I'd mentioned that my friends and I had shared some of our struggles one night. But we didn't exactly move on from there in the right way, in some ways, at all. My next post is going to be about that, so don't worry if it seems I'm starting at the end.